11/11/07

Wow, I have no posted here in a billion years. I need privacy, this blog allows me that. I am so frustrated. I have sent the sperm donor and email to open the door a little over a month ago now and the douche bag never responded. I do not know if I am more angry at his lack of an ickling of caring or the fact that it bothers me as much as it does. I am exhausted and drained from head to toe. Consumed with a kind of loneliness I would not wish upon anyone and the lack of understanding how somebody could be so cold. I started to write a letter to him or myself. I have yet to determine whether I will bother to send such a letter. I will not receive a response. However will it help me to send a letter and not receive a response or hinder me further? Is the act of writing the letter enough to give me solace? These are questions that are running through my mind 24/7.

I can not even shed a tear right now since I am on default anger and frustration. I just want to cause pain and devastation nothing more. I can not even add to the letter.

"Why bother laughing if you are not going to snort?" My friend saw that bumber sticker and thought of me. Cute.

Kieta, the Fields and I went and saw Narnia. Once that was over the Fields went home, Kieta and I saw the Family Stone. I really enjoyed both films. I thought Narnia was just beautiful and it was great to see the Chronicles of Narnia on film. The Family Stone was surprisingly a really good film. The ending was a predictable Hollywood ending...fictious and cheesy . Ingnoring the falseness the film was well done. And further proving that Luke Wilson is way hotter than his brother Owen.

returned to Phx. ! Eric almost broke my fingers!

Amanda Cox's wedding was yesterday. It is confirmed, I hate weddings. They are so boring! Amanda looked gorgeous (I really liked her dress) and the place they picked was cute I guess. I just think the whole wedding thing is some lame performance for people to be the center of attention. Not too mention the whole white dress thing, please very few people actually have the right to wear white. It is my belief that everybody should elope so nobody is obligated to go to a wedding. Plus it is not like I am great friends with Amanda. At least I got to be Anna's date (that's hot). She took me instead of her husband David.

Not too menti0n all of this Eric drama makes it hard to not just go around killing random people just for the hell of it. It's exhausting trying to pretend to be happy and like there is nothing wrong. Although I am quite good at it. ;)

Eric called me and I said well....what is your decision. To my disbelief he said 'I want you to move out here.' I was shocked and was not sure I heard him correctly so I made him repeat it. Yup, sure enough he had consumed quite alot of crack that day and he said he wanted me to move there. Obviously I am kidding about the freaking crack. Unless....j/k.

So anyways....there were of course conditions. None were too severe. He even did not mind that I was moving my cat Kai there. Because everybody knows I am not leaving my pussy behind. teehee. Then here came the weirdest part....

"If we're going to do this I want to do right away. Can you be here by the end of the month?" Dude that's like two weeks! Not only did the freak ask me to move there but he wanted me to pack and move across the country (driving none the less) from AZ to FL. So of course I said that would be impossible. I was honestly taken by complete surprise for so many different reasons. First off he wanted to move there. That was alot on its' own, second NOW. I was expecting 6months - a yr! But I figured he was certainly going to say what he'd said before that it was not a good idea.

He sounded kind of hurt at my lack of enthusaism. I tried to explain that it was just shock and I was completely unprepared. Well then came the lists. He started asking me what I needed to do so I could move there ASAP. The plan was to be there before Thanksgiving (my birthday also) and be there early Nov.

He made a list and emailed it to me of things I needed to do. Which he perfected a little later with all sorts of details. Like things to check on my car for the drive. All sorts of little things. He sounded so excited and urgent. Once he had his heart set on it he could not wait. Especially since he had not started actually flying in his flight program yet....

So I consumed a little alochol and drunk dialed Eric. I was not drunk but I had a very good buzz, just enough to give me so balls. I came out and said basically 'wtf is going on' it was another one of those am I ever moving out to FL or not conversations. And the other conversations like these have never turned out well so you can imagine how much I was looking forward to do this all once again.

He said he was not sure if he wanted me to move out there or not. I said after dating for freaking 3.5 yrs that his highness should know. He said he was not sure bla bla bla. There was more dialouge but who cares about the small stuff. So he said Okay I will tell you tommorow. Fine, fine, fine. I can wait that long.