I always get the impression that when men start to feel emotional attachment they pull away. If they feel smothered or like women are getting emotionally attached, they pull away. If we play their game and are distant, hard to get we keep them. They chase us like dogs in heat and are always begging for more. The second we beg for more they are repelled. It is so enraging. This is when I get angry that I am a woman. I am woman with sexual needs and it is fucking taboo to have these needs. It is not playing their god damn game the way they designed it. I did not purchase these cheat codes, I was given these as a gift and when properly used they are AMAZING.

The game is easy, I can play their stupid fucking game. However, if I play at the rate they do, I will need five guys in the rotation MINIUMUM. Contrary to belief, women are more sexual because we either enjoy it so much and are able to have sex longer and more frequent or we seek sex as validation. Unfortunately women normally seek validation more than men, so either way you look at it. Women are secretly (maybe, not so secretly?) giant horn dogs. The really smart ones keep their mouths shut. Guys don't want to know we've had sex with other people, they want to be in denial of this fact. The fact that his dick slides so easily in your ass is not because you are a pro, no it's because you have abnormally large dumps. Right...

Yet women are the truly sad ones, we intentionally put ourselves through this mess. We either wait to have sex with a man because once you hand out the pop-sicles for free nobody will buy the ice-cream truck. Or we are so worried that if we hold out too long he will stray and find another woman to fit the bill. Either way we are prudes or whores. Men on the other hand are seen as gods. If they are good at going down on women and have longevity in the bedroom they are seen as Gods. Women good at blow jobs are seen as whores for practicing too much and having the ability to get over their gag reflex. Their inability to orgasm right away is not because you suck in the bedroom, oh no, it's because they have a really small hood and are "too hard to get off." While a man that prolongs his orgasm is seen as a master. FUCK it. We live in a society where we are all not having our needs met because we are too focused on what other people think and how we think we are supposed to "think" and "perceive."

My wishlist - a man who is....

1. Knows who he is and what he stands for
2. Emotionally intelligent enough to seek to truly understand
3. Is patient enough to listen but has the balls to call me out
4. Will not accept anything but my best or his best
5. Is willing to receive feedback openly and be open to grow; sees value in it
6. Trusts his instincts and is confident enough to allow me to trust mine
7. Is open minded to spirituality and the human spirit
8. Has a beautiful and compassionate soul
9. Understands me in a way that is true, settling and like no other; he is my best friend and confidant
10. His beauty does not stop at his soul, it extends to his rugged exterior
11. Understands that life about the journey, not the destination; he learns from his life experiences and appreciates what I learn from mine

Facebook is taking over one obsessed internet nerd at a time

Who decided that in 2010 Facebook was the best way to spread the word about everything? Who dictated that this was the more efficient best way to go? Instead of sending an email invite, calling, texting, sending a snail mail invite people are using Facebook...seriously?

Next thing you know nobody will bother to call, text, email or write. Instead we will be required to read everybodys' "Tweets" in order to know what is going on in their lives. It was bad enough when people relied on "Blogs" as the only way to converse. However that was for only the truly dedicated nerdy computer go-ers. Now adays Facebook is the fad that seems to be sticking, therefore practically everybody uses it. Even your mother, father and your great aunt Sally Facebook their latest vacations and family photo ops. Don't get me wrong, Facebook is an excellent way to stalk out people from high school. I mean obviously you do not truly care about these people since it has been ten years since you spoke, but why not find out how many kids they have and how spouse's deep they are? Obviously that information is pertinent to our well being.

Wow, so where to begin. I totally went crazy with booking dates this week.

I had a date Wed. night which went well with Roger. Very fun quirky guy. Thu. was Joaquin and he is very cool. Friday was with New Randy which was a second date. That was fun but I had to call it in early due to exhaustion from work & staying-up late. Sat. evening was Wyatt and that too was fun. I have a second date planned already with Roger next Wed. for movie and a bar. Sat. night at Rula Bula I was in the bathroom and ran into my co-worker Brianna. Ha, small town. I told her I was on my date so she ever so discreetly walked by to check him out. It got really loud inside so we walked around outside for awhile then Wyatt left because he had prior engagements. I then texted Brianna and met up with her back at Rula Bula. Now I had to pay a two dollar cover since I had left, lol. Whatevs as Bri puts it.

At Rula Bula Bri announced she had seen other people we work with for birthday. So I walked around to locate them and asked if we could join and they said cool. So we met up with them outside. It started to rain more so we went inside. Whilst inside a woman started a conversation with me and introduced me to the two men she was with. While in their company I realized one of them was totally cute with a great smile. We started talking and we made each other laugh a lot. He joked that he peddled on the street, I joked that it was I spend my Sunday evenings doing because that's where the $ is. I explained I fashioned a shirt stuffed under my clothes to appear pregnant to get additional money. He mentioned that he would assist me on these endeavours by dressing like a dirty bum ahead of me to encourage the passerbys to give me more money because when you compare the two I was in more need still. Also in case things got hairy he would be my back-up support. Meanwhile the woman who's name was Leyla kept interjecting how beautiful and cool I was. She kept petting my head explaining she LOVED my hair-cut. I received the most hugs I have ever received in my life that evening. It was CrAzY. I continued my conversation with Jesse and checked in with Bri periodically. Bri suggested I be careful because I may fall into a foursome with the two guys and the cougar. Ha, I explained this rundown to Jesse and his friend Cory. They laughed emphatically that they could see where we may get that impression however that is far from the truth. They explained to me how they met and it was a good time. Then Bri and the crew decided to migrate to another bar. Jesse and I had already explained we were both single, he's a Leo and I am a Sagg, so I gave a rundown of what that meant. Lol. He inquired. I advised him that he should ask for my number, he did. Now I am that girl waiting a phone call. Ha, I hate that! Oh well. It was fun.

Funeral Music

"And I love her," The Beatles

"Stairway to heaven," Led Zepplin

"Bohemian Rhapsody," Queen

"Don't dream it's over," Crowded House

"Don't fear the reaper," Blue Oyster Cult

"Simple Man," Lynard Synard

"Spirit in the sky," Norman Greenbaum

"Imagine" A Perfect Circle

"Hurt" NIN

"Just like you imagined" NIN

"I will follow you into the dark" Death Cab for Cutie

TOP 10 Most Unusual
“The Show Must Go On,” Queen
“Highway to Hell,” AC/DC
“Another One Bites the Dust,” Queen
5. “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead,” Bon Jovi
6. “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” Monty Python
7. “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,” The Wizard of Oz
8. “Hit the Road Jack,” Willie Nelson
9. “I’m Too Sexy,” Right Said Fred
10. “Power,” Crows and Australian Football League team songs

Conversations with the dead

11.21.09 posting - I spoke to Mel briefly - her sister Julie died 2 days ago (11.19.09) from a herione overdose. She was in a recovery house and her stupid bf sold her a bag and she OD.

I remember a conversation with Julie a few years ago just before her wedding - it was Julie and her mother Nancy tried to find-out if I knew anything about Melanie. We could all see that she was a mess, she'd lost a lot of weight and was not herself. I told them both I did not have any clue - other than drinking - the typical college party girl I did not know of anything. Julie and Nancy expressed that I was still really good friends with Mel even across the country and over the large number of years. They encouraged me to stay in touch with her and let them know if I noticed anything. Julie gave me her email address and told me to notify her if I heard anything that gave any indication about her state of mind.

Who would know that a few years later both girls would be entagled in a series of lies to their friends and family and worse yet- one would die. The only positive thing that is going to come from this is that Mel's family will ensure to stay close to Mel and keep an eye on her every move. Mel just got out of rehab for using herione and now swears she will never touch alochol or drugs ago. I know that if she is truly an addict it will take more than the demise of a family member to stay clean but however disheartening the situations is - it is a wake-up call to Mel.

It's really hard for me - I feel like a terrible friend because over the last few years Mel and I have really lost touch. I had conversing over the phone because it's always really hard to hear her and the drama is epic. There is always some new fucked-up thing happening in her life and it is so challenging for me when I cannot actually do anything about it.

It sounds selfish but I get dragged into it and it's a lot to handle. I don't know how to help and it's hard. It's a double edged sword - if I KIT all of the time and something terrible happens I will think what could I have done differently to help?! If I stay clear & something happens then it's why didn't I help? It's daunting either way so apparently I have just choice avoidance behavior.

Good thing for me has come out of it - I got in touch with Mel finally and I emailed sperm donor back from an email a very long time ago. I also will finally try calling the brother once I am better composed.

Title

31 flavors

Flavor of the evening - "Bunny Delight"

I would say that during sex you can definately commit crimes against the opposite sex than may never come back from. One of those crimes against women in particular is what is commonly referred to as "jack rabbit sex." Such a terrible crime against the vagina, it pains me to even speak of it for fear she may go into hiding forever. There there little girl...he is long gone now.

Flavor of the evening - "Tech. special."

A shoehorn is a wonderful thing and should be included in every girl's handy bag. Not to be confused with their "hand bag," handy bag includes an array of fun gadgets used for human consumption and pleasure.

Every girl dreams of a man with a banana in his pocket when he greets her at the door. No? Well, this little girl does.

Beaver Dam

11.08.09

Saturday 11.07.09 the setting, dinner at a fabolous greek restaruant for my hetero life partner's birthday. It was awesome, a table of twenty people which is of course to the server's benefit more than the table's. Dinner was good, service was slow. Sobriety is not my best friend and our waitress was terribly slow of supplying the continual flow of liquor into my veins. She should know better, it is not the first time I have been in attendace of this lovely establishment. I should wear a post-it on my forehead that clearly states "Do not allow me to get sober." That should clear the air fairly well.

After dinner there was some arguement about where our grand table would go and take another place over. The majority voted a nearby strip club which is great because hetero life partner, Kate has not been to one...ever. I know right? I have let her down. I had to make everything I had ever let her down for in our entire evening...when else would I get this opportunity?!

Some people went to my house and then an interesting joint that serves both greasy fries and waffles. While the rest of the cool kids took their drunkish asses to the strip club nearby.

The place was packed and we could not get all of us in. Our new totally hot friend Bree took it upon herself to go inside and create a space for us. Yay! Things were starting to look very disappointing for a few minutes until Bree came in to save the day! We had a table of six and then the other table of six came in shortly after. Kay had the pleasure of getting her first lapdance purchased by stripper Jesus (a man so clever he dressed as Jesus with a Little Bo Peep costume under so each time he opened his outside robe it was as if he was stripping, effing hilarious). Unfortunately this girl was a little too on the scandelous side and Kay was a little to sober. It was great to be an outside observer though for this grand event. The next lapdance was for me, bought by stripper Jesus again, then she went over to Kay. Stripper Jesus was very generious this evening, he bought Kay 3 seperate lapdances, plus one for me, and one for Bree. Very awesome. So I paid him back and bought him a lap dance.

While going to the bathroom which is past the strippers changing room! YAY! It was so entertaining! It was like getting a sneak peak of what was to come. I chatted up several strippers that were very cool. One, Georgia had amazing boots, one - Alisha had a beautiful corset and another had fantastic tattoos. I bought S.J. a lapdance from Georgia and paid twice the normal fee and paid long before she was done with her routine, I told her I knew she was good for it. She finished her routine and seemed to have disappeared which was strange. Then she came over explaining how awesome it as because the kid she gave a dance too had never been so hard in his entire life. Then he came over to thank me! It was so awkard! I congratulated the kid and chased after Georgia. I apologized proffiously and explained that was the wrong kid in a baseball cap! She apologized and then went over to S.J. and did her thing in those totally sexy boots that I wanted to steel off her body.

11/11/07

Wow, I have no posted here in a billion years. I need privacy, this blog allows me that. I am so frustrated. I have sent the sperm donor and email to open the door a little over a month ago now and the douche bag never responded. I do not know if I am more angry at his lack of an ickling of caring or the fact that it bothers me as much as it does. I am exhausted and drained from head to toe. Consumed with a kind of loneliness I would not wish upon anyone and the lack of understanding how somebody could be so cold. I started to write a letter to him or myself. I have yet to determine whether I will bother to send such a letter. I will not receive a response. However will it help me to send a letter and not receive a response or hinder me further? Is the act of writing the letter enough to give me solace? These are questions that are running through my mind 24/7.

I can not even shed a tear right now since I am on default anger and frustration. I just want to cause pain and devastation nothing more. I can not even add to the letter.

"Why bother laughing if you are not going to snort?" My friend saw that bumber sticker and thought of me. Cute.

Kieta, the Fields and I went and saw Narnia. Once that was over the Fields went home, Kieta and I saw the Family Stone. I really enjoyed both films. I thought Narnia was just beautiful and it was great to see the Chronicles of Narnia on film. The Family Stone was surprisingly a really good film. The ending was a predictable Hollywood ending...fictious and cheesy . Ingnoring the falseness the film was well done. And further proving that Luke Wilson is way hotter than his brother Owen.

returned to Phx. ! Eric almost broke my fingers!

Amanda Cox's wedding was yesterday. It is confirmed, I hate weddings. They are so boring! Amanda looked gorgeous (I really liked her dress) and the place they picked was cute I guess. I just think the whole wedding thing is some lame performance for people to be the center of attention. Not too mention the whole white dress thing, please very few people actually have the right to wear white. It is my belief that everybody should elope so nobody is obligated to go to a wedding. Plus it is not like I am great friends with Amanda. At least I got to be Anna's date (that's hot). She took me instead of her husband David.

Not too menti0n all of this Eric drama makes it hard to not just go around killing random people just for the hell of it. It's exhausting trying to pretend to be happy and like there is nothing wrong. Although I am quite good at it. ;)

Eric called me and I said well....what is your decision. To my disbelief he said 'I want you to move out here.' I was shocked and was not sure I heard him correctly so I made him repeat it. Yup, sure enough he had consumed quite alot of crack that day and he said he wanted me to move there. Obviously I am kidding about the freaking crack. Unless....j/k.

So anyways....there were of course conditions. None were too severe. He even did not mind that I was moving my cat Kai there. Because everybody knows I am not leaving my pussy behind. teehee. Then here came the weirdest part....

"If we're going to do this I want to do right away. Can you be here by the end of the month?" Dude that's like two weeks! Not only did the freak ask me to move there but he wanted me to pack and move across the country (driving none the less) from AZ to FL. So of course I said that would be impossible. I was honestly taken by complete surprise for so many different reasons. First off he wanted to move there. That was alot on its' own, second NOW. I was expecting 6months - a yr! But I figured he was certainly going to say what he'd said before that it was not a good idea.

He sounded kind of hurt at my lack of enthusaism. I tried to explain that it was just shock and I was completely unprepared. Well then came the lists. He started asking me what I needed to do so I could move there ASAP. The plan was to be there before Thanksgiving (my birthday also) and be there early Nov.

He made a list and emailed it to me of things I needed to do. Which he perfected a little later with all sorts of details. Like things to check on my car for the drive. All sorts of little things. He sounded so excited and urgent. Once he had his heart set on it he could not wait. Especially since he had not started actually flying in his flight program yet....

So I consumed a little alochol and drunk dialed Eric. I was not drunk but I had a very good buzz, just enough to give me so balls. I came out and said basically 'wtf is going on' it was another one of those am I ever moving out to FL or not conversations. And the other conversations like these have never turned out well so you can imagine how much I was looking forward to do this all once again.

He said he was not sure if he wanted me to move out there or not. I said after dating for freaking 3.5 yrs that his highness should know. He said he was not sure bla bla bla. There was more dialouge but who cares about the small stuff. So he said Okay I will tell you tommorow. Fine, fine, fine. I can wait that long.

Sun. 21rst saw Alonso at Tempe improv w/Anna and Kieta. He was on the last Comic Standing and he won on the season three. One of his first jokes was that he had won season three but they didn't air it once they found out a black man won. He delivers all of his jokes very well so the entire time we were just busting lots of guts.

I just feel these lyrics really well lately. I am on a big Kelly kick right now. I love "Since You Been Gone" too.

Kelly Clarkson - "Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on


Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on


Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I

I feel like I should post something but I dont know what to post. I can not think on the spot with Kai sitting on me as I type looking super adorable and purring. Little furry bastard.

Monday.

Eric called me today after our two weeks of not speaking to figure things out. I am not surprised because I just knew that is what he was going to say but I still just do not believe it. He actually said that he thinks it should end since it seems like it will not work in the long run.


I broke my cheap photo frame with eric's pictures in it. It made it a very small amount better. I am putting all of his pictures in a box so I will not stumble across them on accident. That helped.

Blah, Boys Suck.

Monday

I worked my normal 6-12 am shift and was supposed to work Bre's 12-2 for her but Christy a supervisor said that it wasn't busy and sent me home at noon. So I went to staples and bought a folder to put my resume in and changed. I went to University of Phoenix for an expo to interview for a finacial aid postition. They told me I would get an email and to respond within 24hrs. It's now Friday and I never got any email so I called the woman in charge of Finacial Admissions and left a message. I suck. Nothing ever works for me. I never get the jobs I fucking want and need. I hate me.