August 25 th Carrie (my cousin) had her baby
Sep 20 went to Prescott
Oct 15th ish Anna told me about Davy molesting Carol about 2 yrs ago at their old house on Mesquite.
October 31rst
Eric and I went to Cali and went to Knott's Scary Farm. It was cool. The best part was the show they put on. It just sucked that we didn't get there sooner so we were in the front instead of the back. But it was so funny. Mucho gusto. The rest was just a bunch os mazes, we only did one ride. The tower drop thing I don't know the name because it was the first time I had ever been there. We actually went to Knott's the day after Halloween so it would be less crowded etc.
*I'm not sure when but sometime between Oct-Dec. we found out Davy has molested Carol Wicker's nephew. That's all I know about the subject.
Nov. 14th 03 Fri
Sick on a double! I threw up 7 times in 5 hours! It may of been because I took *ahem* alot of 500 mg pain releavers for my much needed rotted root canal tooth! I went to Prescott that night after feeling better.
Dec 7th 03 Sun
I woke up and felt crappy and threw up at 1 but I had to be at work at 1:30. I felt better so I just went ahead to work. But I felt like SHIT when I got there! Amber agreed to close for me and while she got ready I threw up at around 4 o'clock at work (second time now!!!!) then went straight home. I AM SICK OF BEING SICK!
Dec. 9th 03 Tue
I had to drive an hr away to Glendale to get it done, but I got my root canal ALL FIXED! Yay! I got VICODIN!! YAY!
Dec 12th 03 Fri
I drove up to Prescott Thu after a double. I dyed my hair today with a L'oreal coleur experte kit BIG MISTAKE! Looks shitty orangey! Great. I love this stuff.
Sat. we slept in past GRADUATION. I actually AHEM* had bowl problems so I didn't want to exactly run out the door and leave. Sun went to Denny's with Bill and stayed til 5 Am! Spent the next 3 hrs sleeping and left straight for work Monday morning!
Dec. 21rst 03 Sun.
Kieta, Eric and I went to the work Christmas party. Kieta made a chicken ring, I had made a gross looking but ok tasting 7 layer chip dip goop. I was just glad Eric went. Originally he was going to Cali and wasn't going to go but left a little ater (around 1) for Cali and I had to work after the party anyways so whatever.
After the party people at work kept asking, was that your boyfriend? lol people love gossip. Tammy said he's cute and so did Laurie. Lol. I told Laurie how Liana had called him 'Homely' the first time she had met him and she's like he's not homely at all. It was quite funny. Ken said he was quiet, just like all good Introverts ;) until you get to know them.
Dec 24th 03 Wed.
X-mas Eve. Kieta's mom, dad and brother....Brenda, Larry and John came out Sun night around 10 PM from SD CA. So it was just them and us along with Stacy for X-mas. Fields went to Texas to see Becky and Danika. Eric's in Ca. Good stuff. I worked all day Christmas Eve. and we were closed the next day otherwise I am fucking SURE I would of worked a double that day TOO!!!!
Dec 25th 03 Thu
Sick sick sick. Mon Mark and Rachel had the flu now we all have it. Larry had it first. I felt like shit at the end of the day. It just kept progressing. I was shittin all night and I finally threw up at around 2 or 3 Am. Texted Eric and he called then I went to bed. Called into work at 6 Am. No answer. 7 Am. no answer. 7:30 no answer. 8:00 no answer. 8:30 no answer. Getting a little sick of it huh? me TOO! 8:45 NO ANSWER. FINALLY AT NINE yes you hear me 9 AM! Jenny the mng answers and I tell her I have the flu and she's like oh no. I'm like I know is sux balls or something like that. Like she's the one shittin and pukin! FUCK OFF BITCH. I've been up ALL god damn morning wishing I was never born and feeling GUILTY for calling in sick as it is. SO SHOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dec 26th 03 Fri.
Sick Sick. Watched movies and slept.
Dec. 27th 03 Sat.
I woke up at 2 with a HUGE headache when I stood up and it kept poking, I took some releavers. Drifted some. I cleaned. Did the dishes, fixed the pantry (the tupperware stuff), cleaned the toilets, EWWW, did laundry. Fun stuff then went to work. Unless I miss counted, I made 101$ tonight. Cool beans! I felt ok it was shitty cuz I saw my scehdule so I was all pissed off. But other than that it was asi asi.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Nov. 24. Eric was down for the week-end and I don't exactly remember anything about that except before I left for work on Sunday (a little late) I got my toaster oven from Kieta, and my triple pack The Crow movies and a Barbie from Eric. Oh wait I think Friday night was when we went out to dinner. We tried this place we had not been to called Carriso's or something like that. I didn't like it all. My noodle thingy had this gross gross cheesy nasty sauce. It was icky. I don't remember anything else.
Eric left not shortly after I left for work. I worked a double on Monday (my actual birthday) and it was funny because I hadn't told anybody...but a couple of weeks ago Tammy went around getting everyboy's birthdays and I told her mine so she remembered and brought me a cool card. The other expo Patrick called me and felt bad that I wasn't going to do anything for my birthday so he came over and we watched The Crow and the 3rd Crow which neither of us had seen. The 3rd one is pretty damn lame but omg I luV the first one. I want to break a VERY big BIG piece of Brandon Lee off and eat it. Yum* But only as the Crow, not as himself (ignore the fact that he's dead period ok...I'm not a necropheliac...no matter what anybody else has told you!) Then he stayed a talked til 7 AM and I drove him home. Heheh cuz I had the day off! hehe!
Eric left not shortly after I left for work. I worked a double on Monday (my actual birthday) and it was funny because I hadn't told anybody...but a couple of weeks ago Tammy went around getting everyboy's birthdays and I told her mine so she remembered and brought me a cool card. The other expo Patrick called me and felt bad that I wasn't going to do anything for my birthday so he came over and we watched The Crow and the 3rd Crow which neither of us had seen. The 3rd one is pretty damn lame but omg I luV the first one. I want to break a VERY big BIG piece of Brandon Lee off and eat it. Yum* But only as the Crow, not as himself (ignore the fact that he's dead period ok...I'm not a necropheliac...no matter what anybody else has told you!) Then he stayed a talked til 7 AM and I drove him home. Heheh cuz I had the day off! hehe!
Nov. 2nd 2003 Sunday morning
I went to Prescott for the week-end and after setting back into the house Kieta had to tell me something very important. A friend of our's (not a terribley good one) Yasi shot herself in the middle of the night (technically Sunday morning) and Matt found her. He's under investigation and everything. The police found a note of her's and will not release it until after the invesetigation is all over with etc etc. I am in the biggest shock ever. I didn't Yasi very well but from what I knew of her, I had her pictured as a happy person. She was only 23...her and Matt were supposed to be getting married at the end of the month! Apparently that been fighting and Matt left and came back and found her.
If somebody so pretty and who had so much then what's to say for the rest of us? I guess breast implants, nice cars, and money isn't everything afterall. Money can never replace the loneliness inside. Some small part of me feels guilty, like why didn't I see it? Tiffany, Cari, Melissa, Kieta, Jessica and I were at Yasi's house last Thu for god's sake! And this happened Sunday! It's overwhelming and I can not imagine what her family and best friends are going through. Sometimes I wish I had known her better, but I also know it would be that much harder. But if you go through life being afraid of getting hurt we wouldn't befriend anybody would we? Because we always carry the knowledge that someday everybody is going to die.
Nov. 6th 2003 Thursday afternoon - Funeral
Kieta drove us to the funeral this afternoon in Mesa. A bunch of people from other stores were covering our shifts so we would not have to work. Otherwise there would of been a lot of very pissed off people. Meeting her parents and her brother for the first time under such circumstances feels awful. I feel so bad for all of them. Especially Amber and Cari from work...they're really good friends. Even though Eric didn't know her I guess some part of me wished he had still been there. But it would of just been awkward for him so I can't say I blame him for not even attempting to go. Phil was there though standing behind at one point and he put his hand on my shoulder and it seriously felt like a weight had been lifted. There's no way to even thank somebody for just being there like that.
I hate crying with a passion, but more than I hate crying....I hate crying infront of people. Not too many people have seen me cry. I conceal it pretty well (it takes practice ;) I was okay up until actually walking into the very small room and seeing that little silver box there. It's like a book being slammed in your face. It's real. No matter how much you want to go on pretending it's some sick joke...it's real.
Hugging her parents and everything and seeing all the people there that miss her. It was all so hard. Thery're muslim so some of their customs were different. Nobody spoke of her, there were no pictures, and we watched them put her in the ground and a bulldozer put dirt on it. Then the family prayed and each threw a little piece of dirt in along iwth any flowers they had. The only other funeral I've been to I wasn't there for the whole thing and just as always Betty was late. We went to Tammy and Amanda's "dad's" funeral sometime ago.
I went to Prescott for the week-end and after setting back into the house Kieta had to tell me something very important. A friend of our's (not a terribley good one) Yasi shot herself in the middle of the night (technically Sunday morning) and Matt found her. He's under investigation and everything. The police found a note of her's and will not release it until after the invesetigation is all over with etc etc. I am in the biggest shock ever. I didn't Yasi very well but from what I knew of her, I had her pictured as a happy person. She was only 23...her and Matt were supposed to be getting married at the end of the month! Apparently that been fighting and Matt left and came back and found her.
If somebody so pretty and who had so much then what's to say for the rest of us? I guess breast implants, nice cars, and money isn't everything afterall. Money can never replace the loneliness inside. Some small part of me feels guilty, like why didn't I see it? Tiffany, Cari, Melissa, Kieta, Jessica and I were at Yasi's house last Thu for god's sake! And this happened Sunday! It's overwhelming and I can not imagine what her family and best friends are going through. Sometimes I wish I had known her better, but I also know it would be that much harder. But if you go through life being afraid of getting hurt we wouldn't befriend anybody would we? Because we always carry the knowledge that someday everybody is going to die.
Nov. 6th 2003 Thursday afternoon - Funeral
Kieta drove us to the funeral this afternoon in Mesa. A bunch of people from other stores were covering our shifts so we would not have to work. Otherwise there would of been a lot of very pissed off people. Meeting her parents and her brother for the first time under such circumstances feels awful. I feel so bad for all of them. Especially Amber and Cari from work...they're really good friends. Even though Eric didn't know her I guess some part of me wished he had still been there. But it would of just been awkward for him so I can't say I blame him for not even attempting to go. Phil was there though standing behind at one point and he put his hand on my shoulder and it seriously felt like a weight had been lifted. There's no way to even thank somebody for just being there like that.
I hate crying with a passion, but more than I hate crying....I hate crying infront of people. Not too many people have seen me cry. I conceal it pretty well (it takes practice ;) I was okay up until actually walking into the very small room and seeing that little silver box there. It's like a book being slammed in your face. It's real. No matter how much you want to go on pretending it's some sick joke...it's real.
Hugging her parents and everything and seeing all the people there that miss her. It was all so hard. Thery're muslim so some of their customs were different. Nobody spoke of her, there were no pictures, and we watched them put her in the ground and a bulldozer put dirt on it. Then the family prayed and each threw a little piece of dirt in along iwth any flowers they had. The only other funeral I've been to I wasn't there for the whole thing and just as always Betty was late. We went to Tammy and Amanda's "dad's" funeral sometime ago.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Okay...I went up to Prescott Friday night I believe and my goal was to wake-up and go the ERAU's winter graduation. Well that night I was up with the stomach flu and not only did I hardly get any sleep, but I didn't want to go because if I had to stop talking to somebody to go to the restroom...talk about embarassing! So Eric and I didn't go. Later we went to John and Jenny's out in The outskirts of PV almost in Dewey. John had graduated and his family was all out so it was awkward. Especially because I haven not seen them in forever, and I am not THAT good friends with them. Bla bla. Anyways...to the point!
We got there at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon and we were there until after midnight which sucked ass. But the thing that really tiffed me was John and his brother were talking about going to Whiskey Row to get some drinks at around 10pm and they said hey, Eric do you want to go? "Sure!" And I glared at him of course, so he looks at me and says..."you can hang-out with Jen!" They decided to stay there and play poker and drink piss beer instead of go to Whiskey Row. And later Eric told me that he had planned to lend his car to me if he went to the bar and he'd get a ride home from John. Umm, okay let me paint you think fucking picture. I drive two hours to go to this fucking shit hole town where it's cold as hell, there is nothing to do and I am stuck hanging around Eric's stupid roommate Sean (I use to tolerate him and now omg I just fucking can not stand him). What is the main fucking reason I go up there for? To see this dipshit. And he's going to blow me off to go fucking sit in a bar and drink with these renobs? FUCK U. I hate ppl. I would not fucking do that to him. So I am at John and Jenny's and watching TV for hrs while they play poker. Sorry I don't do poker. So for hours I am sitting there watching TV then I put in a movie and then finally we leave. Am I alone in thinking that was totally rude??! I told Mel about it and she totally said that fucked up. So there!
I could of been hanging-out with my friends there instead of sitting on my ass watching TV, I wish I taken my own car there separately so I could of just fucking left. I had NO idea that we would be there for hours and hours. I figured a couple of hours to say hi and bump into ppl and then we'd leave. I did not plan on making a practical all nighter. And it sucked especially because Jenny went ot bed like around 10 or so. I had nobody to talk to or anything for the last like 2-3 hrs. Cuz they were all playing poker. I don't really like card games or board games that much. I ESPECIALLY hate gambling, I have BETTER things to waste money and time on. So it was just a bomb.
We got there at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon and we were there until after midnight which sucked ass. But the thing that really tiffed me was John and his brother were talking about going to Whiskey Row to get some drinks at around 10pm and they said hey, Eric do you want to go? "Sure!" And I glared at him of course, so he looks at me and says..."you can hang-out with Jen!" They decided to stay there and play poker and drink piss beer instead of go to Whiskey Row. And later Eric told me that he had planned to lend his car to me if he went to the bar and he'd get a ride home from John. Umm, okay let me paint you think fucking picture. I drive two hours to go to this fucking shit hole town where it's cold as hell, there is nothing to do and I am stuck hanging around Eric's stupid roommate Sean (I use to tolerate him and now omg I just fucking can not stand him). What is the main fucking reason I go up there for? To see this dipshit. And he's going to blow me off to go fucking sit in a bar and drink with these renobs? FUCK U. I hate ppl. I would not fucking do that to him. So I am at John and Jenny's and watching TV for hrs while they play poker. Sorry I don't do poker. So for hours I am sitting there watching TV then I put in a movie and then finally we leave. Am I alone in thinking that was totally rude??! I told Mel about it and she totally said that fucked up. So there!
I could of been hanging-out with my friends there instead of sitting on my ass watching TV, I wish I taken my own car there separately so I could of just fucking left. I had NO idea that we would be there for hours and hours. I figured a couple of hours to say hi and bump into ppl and then we'd leave. I did not plan on making a practical all nighter. And it sucked especially because Jenny went ot bed like around 10 or so. I had nobody to talk to or anything for the last like 2-3 hrs. Cuz they were all playing poker. I don't really like card games or board games that much. I ESPECIALLY hate gambling, I have BETTER things to waste money and time on. So it was just a bomb.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
A few weeks ago Eric finally confessed that he told me he had stared at the girl at the gym...well it was all exaggerated or a lie. He was doing it because he was mad at me for raving about some guy before he left for the gym. But he can't remember what it was. I like how that happened back in MARCH 03 and we've talked about it since and this is the first he's told of it being a revenge thing. I am sick of his stories changing or leaving shit out and telling me 4 months later...OH BTW Shelly. Why are men so dumb? Lying?
When YOU are the dumper of somebody after being together for a long time...is it your place to cry? I don't think so you aint getting dumped...you know it's been coming so why cry? I think that's just weird. I wouldn't cry if I dumped somebody that's just lame. Whatever.
When YOU are the dumper of somebody after being together for a long time...is it your place to cry? I don't think so you aint getting dumped...you know it's been coming so why cry? I think that's just weird. I wouldn't cry if I dumped somebody that's just lame. Whatever.
Friday, September 26, 2003
You know those people that don't believe in love? I am sorry I have never been a mushy, huggy, kissy, nasty ass little love sick puppy. But those feelings that I think are there, they're fading and blurring around the edges. I can hardly even tell what is real and what is fiction in my mind. Everyday i feel less and less. My heart seems to be receiving and giving less. It hurts inside all over. More and more I just want to give up.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Some things make me just want to give up and walk away. Lying is one of the worst things you can ever do. Why? Because then you can never fully trust that person again. And believe me, I don't trust much of anything. I haven't ever since I was a little girl when I came to the realization that I was surrounded by pain and destruction. I don't want to live in it any longer. I have only been holding on this long for a few reasons. More than anything I want to get back at the people who have damaged me. I want to do something with my life I enjoy more than anything, something unique, great. Something people will be shocked at. I want to prove them all wrong. My heart is filled with disdain, anger and resentment towards everybody I know for something or another.
My parents for neglecting. Hating, not loving and stealing anything of value from me. My life mostly. My best friend because our dream of a career together with a house together til we are old and grey has died over the years. And I rest most of the blame on her changing, being away and drifting apart mentally. My sister for the little treacherous things she's done, for giving away the bug to Jesse Stoda. I can not forgive easily. In fact I don't remember ever forgetting, or forgiving anything...ever. Hmmm. I wonder.
Something I have always secretly always wanted and up until now I have hardly even admitted it to myself. But for some reason I feel like saying it, lifting the brick out the water. There's always stories I read or movies I saw where a broken woman (raped, beaten within an inch of her life or molested) and then weak and helpless this man steps in and rescues her. I have always wanted that. To be rescued. I have always wished something would happen that would make people wake up and say "Hey!" Look there's Michelle! And not to say, "Look at her ugly legs." "She copied Crissy." When I am rescued and defended.
There is only one time in my life that I can remember anybody helping me in a similar way. This guy I was totally infatuated with (trust me, with those blue eyes...what heterosexual girl could resist? They were the color of the ocean at night) and I used to sit with him in class and we'd joke all the time and pass notes. Grr. (this was in high school senior yr I think?) But I'd liked him since 10th. Well one time this guy behind us Matt Yuhas was driving me nuts and I hit him or kicked him and he kicked me back in the ankle! Pat, beautiful Pat. Growl. He turned to him, FURIOUS (and trust me we were all friends...) and said "Don't ever do that again." Or something along those lines. Could he see the froth at the side of my mouth!??!?!?! OMG OMG. Never ever has anybody done something like that. I felt special. Did he like me? Who knows. Nothing ever happened. He eventually did this guy PMS thing and he never talked to me really. Just stopped. I don't know why. But omg it was great. I was in SHOCK. I mean seriously, he was so SOOOOO PISSED OFF. He didn't even kick me that hard! Shit. I miss that. I want that again.
Eric. "I couldn't stop staring at this girl at the gym. I don't know why. I think it was because she had straight black hair, you know like asain." Jee wiz. Thanks. Do you know how that burned? There may as well been ACID DRIPPNG INTO MY EYES. I coudln't believe somebody would say something like that to me. I'm sorry...aren't you supposed to be my boyfriend?? Oh wait I forgot! He has an obsession with asian chicks. Everytime I see straight black hair now I want to rip the hair from the scalp as hard as I can and watch the hair dangle in my hand with the splashes of blood hitting the asphalt. Oh my god the feeluing inside. Is that happiness?? Why yes. I think it may be. I thought I'd never feel that again. But now I know there is hope. I'm sorry but staring? Are that stupid to actually TELL me that? I mean where were you raised?? On planet INSENSITIVE! SUCK MY FAT COCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. Wow, that was months ago and I'd swear almost everyday I have that whole story, the image in my head ALL OF IT. Playing over and over. I have to hold back the anger, and tears. I have to pretend it's not there and continue working. Expedite that food girlfriend. Make that money honey. Bleak I know. My life is bleak.
I try to get over things but I cant let things rest. Your life is made up of different days right? When we talk about our days, they become stories right? How can you erase a book? Before it becomes a novel? What if the sentence has taken on it's own life. Grown skin, hair, eyes and teeth. Razor sharp theeth that bite at the weirdest moments.
Yesterday Ben was being an asshole and I hit him and he swatted at the air and made assnine remarks about a fly so I kept hitting him. Same thing. A lilttle later he came back and said something else that deserved a sufficent beating. I hit him pretty hard, but not THAT hard. And he walked back over and punched me in the arm. I don't why. But I had to go to the bathroom and cry. I can't explain. I felt like shit all day, dry, used up. And that was just icing on the cake. He meant it. It wasn't a joking punch. I felt ashamed, hurt and I had to get out of there. I wasn't gone more than a few minutes. I got myself contained well once I got away. I don't why such a stupid thing set me off. I suppose at the time almost anything could of had me going. I don't even understand really why, so I can't explain further. Sorry.
I've just had enough. Enough aloneness. Being lied to. I feel used and as I like to say, UNSPECIAL. I don't feel anything more than just a big joke. That's all everything about me is and I'm breaking down. More and more the wear and tear shows through. My skin itches with frustration. Anger. I want to kill things. I want to kill somebody. Masses of deserving indivuals, Poachers, bullies, rapists, SOMEBODY! I don't care. I just want to beat the living day lights out them until they cry for me to stop and I'll just hit harder. I want them to feel sharp pains and gasp for air as their life dwindles away.
My parents for neglecting. Hating, not loving and stealing anything of value from me. My life mostly. My best friend because our dream of a career together with a house together til we are old and grey has died over the years. And I rest most of the blame on her changing, being away and drifting apart mentally. My sister for the little treacherous things she's done, for giving away the bug to Jesse Stoda. I can not forgive easily. In fact I don't remember ever forgetting, or forgiving anything...ever. Hmmm. I wonder.
Something I have always secretly always wanted and up until now I have hardly even admitted it to myself. But for some reason I feel like saying it, lifting the brick out the water. There's always stories I read or movies I saw where a broken woman (raped, beaten within an inch of her life or molested) and then weak and helpless this man steps in and rescues her. I have always wanted that. To be rescued. I have always wished something would happen that would make people wake up and say "Hey!" Look there's Michelle! And not to say, "Look at her ugly legs." "She copied Crissy." When I am rescued and defended.
There is only one time in my life that I can remember anybody helping me in a similar way. This guy I was totally infatuated with (trust me, with those blue eyes...what heterosexual girl could resist? They were the color of the ocean at night) and I used to sit with him in class and we'd joke all the time and pass notes. Grr. (this was in high school senior yr I think?) But I'd liked him since 10th. Well one time this guy behind us Matt Yuhas was driving me nuts and I hit him or kicked him and he kicked me back in the ankle! Pat, beautiful Pat. Growl. He turned to him, FURIOUS (and trust me we were all friends...) and said "Don't ever do that again." Or something along those lines. Could he see the froth at the side of my mouth!??!?!?! OMG OMG. Never ever has anybody done something like that. I felt special. Did he like me? Who knows. Nothing ever happened. He eventually did this guy PMS thing and he never talked to me really. Just stopped. I don't know why. But omg it was great. I was in SHOCK. I mean seriously, he was so SOOOOO PISSED OFF. He didn't even kick me that hard! Shit. I miss that. I want that again.
Eric. "I couldn't stop staring at this girl at the gym. I don't know why. I think it was because she had straight black hair, you know like asain." Jee wiz. Thanks. Do you know how that burned? There may as well been ACID DRIPPNG INTO MY EYES. I coudln't believe somebody would say something like that to me. I'm sorry...aren't you supposed to be my boyfriend?? Oh wait I forgot! He has an obsession with asian chicks. Everytime I see straight black hair now I want to rip the hair from the scalp as hard as I can and watch the hair dangle in my hand with the splashes of blood hitting the asphalt. Oh my god the feeluing inside. Is that happiness?? Why yes. I think it may be. I thought I'd never feel that again. But now I know there is hope. I'm sorry but staring? Are that stupid to actually TELL me that? I mean where were you raised?? On planet INSENSITIVE! SUCK MY FAT COCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. Wow, that was months ago and I'd swear almost everyday I have that whole story, the image in my head ALL OF IT. Playing over and over. I have to hold back the anger, and tears. I have to pretend it's not there and continue working. Expedite that food girlfriend. Make that money honey. Bleak I know. My life is bleak.
I try to get over things but I cant let things rest. Your life is made up of different days right? When we talk about our days, they become stories right? How can you erase a book? Before it becomes a novel? What if the sentence has taken on it's own life. Grown skin, hair, eyes and teeth. Razor sharp theeth that bite at the weirdest moments.
Yesterday Ben was being an asshole and I hit him and he swatted at the air and made assnine remarks about a fly so I kept hitting him. Same thing. A lilttle later he came back and said something else that deserved a sufficent beating. I hit him pretty hard, but not THAT hard. And he walked back over and punched me in the arm. I don't why. But I had to go to the bathroom and cry. I can't explain. I felt like shit all day, dry, used up. And that was just icing on the cake. He meant it. It wasn't a joking punch. I felt ashamed, hurt and I had to get out of there. I wasn't gone more than a few minutes. I got myself contained well once I got away. I don't why such a stupid thing set me off. I suppose at the time almost anything could of had me going. I don't even understand really why, so I can't explain further. Sorry.
I've just had enough. Enough aloneness. Being lied to. I feel used and as I like to say, UNSPECIAL. I don't feel anything more than just a big joke. That's all everything about me is and I'm breaking down. More and more the wear and tear shows through. My skin itches with frustration. Anger. I want to kill things. I want to kill somebody. Masses of deserving indivuals, Poachers, bullies, rapists, SOMEBODY! I don't care. I just want to beat the living day lights out them until they cry for me to stop and I'll just hit harder. I want them to feel sharp pains and gasp for air as their life dwindles away.
Remembering Bad Times
Ever since I can remeber I have been in love with fiction in the purest form. Anything out of touch with reality...aliens, monsters, dragons, centaurs, vampires, unicorns, you name it. I would give anything for a glimspe of that; a touch, a kiss, a caress. Anything. Just to be a part of something so great, strong that nobody else could have. Nothing could ever compare to the warmth I would feel.
I've been in love with boys since kindergarten. I kissed this boy David Mcfarlan on the cheek and he ran and told the teacher. I loved his best friend Kory more for five consecutive years. I wrote him love letters that I never delivered, scratched his name on all my paper, even gave him a letter once, stalked him to his bus. I was invited to his birthday party in kindergarten by his mother. I even flashed him my underwear while he constructed a T-rex puzzle. He didn't even notice. As far as I know nobody had a clue I even existed until 5th grade. Only a few boys I chased year after year knew about me. I licked my palms and chased them, and believe me they ran.
Once people noticed me, I wished to be invisble again. I didn't want to be seen anymore. What was the point? They laughed. All I could do was cry. All I had was my pets. I had no friends really. Off and on again friends. Not very good friends, not until I met Melanie in fifth grade. I constantly felt like the most alone person in the world with only me and myself. I was over the edge and wanted nothing to do with anything. I even wrote my own will, forgiving everything I had to Melanie. I still have it. My mother was too consumed with her own struggles in life to even feed me anything more than McDonald's. So she had no clue I was in distress. I was in therapy professionally and at school. They did no good. My only female therapist Susan was cool, I actually felt like I could talk to her unlike everybody else. I'd rather talk to my dog or cat thank-you. They never judge me. I could do anything to them and they'd love me no matter what.
Ever since I can remeber I have been in love with fiction in the purest form. Anything out of touch with reality...aliens, monsters, dragons, centaurs, vampires, unicorns, you name it. I would give anything for a glimspe of that; a touch, a kiss, a caress. Anything. Just to be a part of something so great, strong that nobody else could have. Nothing could ever compare to the warmth I would feel.
I've been in love with boys since kindergarten. I kissed this boy David Mcfarlan on the cheek and he ran and told the teacher. I loved his best friend Kory more for five consecutive years. I wrote him love letters that I never delivered, scratched his name on all my paper, even gave him a letter once, stalked him to his bus. I was invited to his birthday party in kindergarten by his mother. I even flashed him my underwear while he constructed a T-rex puzzle. He didn't even notice. As far as I know nobody had a clue I even existed until 5th grade. Only a few boys I chased year after year knew about me. I licked my palms and chased them, and believe me they ran.
Once people noticed me, I wished to be invisble again. I didn't want to be seen anymore. What was the point? They laughed. All I could do was cry. All I had was my pets. I had no friends really. Off and on again friends. Not very good friends, not until I met Melanie in fifth grade. I constantly felt like the most alone person in the world with only me and myself. I was over the edge and wanted nothing to do with anything. I even wrote my own will, forgiving everything I had to Melanie. I still have it. My mother was too consumed with her own struggles in life to even feed me anything more than McDonald's. So she had no clue I was in distress. I was in therapy professionally and at school. They did no good. My only female therapist Susan was cool, I actually felt like I could talk to her unlike everybody else. I'd rather talk to my dog or cat thank-you. They never judge me. I could do anything to them and they'd love me no matter what.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
May 31rst Sat.
I had been bitchier than usual and little things were driving me nuts, so of course I was thinking of things in the past that would get me even more riled up. Kieta, Eric and I went to Chipolte, this little very american-mexican burrito place where you tell them what you want and it's lke a 5$ burrito. I don't like mexican food, doesn't even the whole of mexico know this tid bit??
Anyways when we were in the car on the way home Kieta asked if I was alright and I said no. She asked why not and I told her my life sucks. Why she asked. I started listing off shit like my job sucks, the people I live with suck she said and your parents suck and bla bla then I said my boyfriend's Eric. Not meaning it like he's the cause of all my problems but being in this relationship has it's ups and downs and the complexities sometimes are just unnerving. Eric was upstairs by this time and he yells, "No offense Michelle but fuck off." I walked outside and dropped my phone and wallet by a bush. I walked around for awhile and sat in the golf course and just cried. I was just so stressed and upset at everything. When I was walking back to the house I saw what looked like Eric walking outside so I ran around to the other side and ran into the house and went into the bathroom and took a shower then went into my room. Eric was sitting there on my bed and he asked me simply "Do you wanna break-up with me?" I simply replied, "Overall no."
He seemed confused at this so I finished, "Sometimes I just get sick of it and I want to end it. I don't want to overall because I don't wanna give up." "huh?" He's still confused. I basically explained that I wouldn't give-up so easily, so I didn't wanna give-up yet. When you're in a relationship pretty much no matter what happens you need to try whole heartidly to make it work. He said something later, "I just feel like you don't love me. Like you tolerate me."
July 27th 2003
Today as Eric is getting ready to go take a shower he tells Anna about how I wailed on him at Sivone's house. (Long story) And how his friend's (later on he told me it was only David that had said it.) were all like "How can you put up with that?" But it said in this they're right why do I put up with this shit TONE. He said it in the stupid asshole way that made we just want to say FUCK off then leave. If you fucking feel like that then why the hell are you here? Just leave. I get so sick of his shit sometimes. If women weren't so fucking stupid I would be gay because guys do not make sense to little old me.
I had been bitchier than usual and little things were driving me nuts, so of course I was thinking of things in the past that would get me even more riled up. Kieta, Eric and I went to Chipolte, this little very american-mexican burrito place where you tell them what you want and it's lke a 5$ burrito. I don't like mexican food, doesn't even the whole of mexico know this tid bit??
Anyways when we were in the car on the way home Kieta asked if I was alright and I said no. She asked why not and I told her my life sucks. Why she asked. I started listing off shit like my job sucks, the people I live with suck she said and your parents suck and bla bla then I said my boyfriend's Eric. Not meaning it like he's the cause of all my problems but being in this relationship has it's ups and downs and the complexities sometimes are just unnerving. Eric was upstairs by this time and he yells, "No offense Michelle but fuck off." I walked outside and dropped my phone and wallet by a bush. I walked around for awhile and sat in the golf course and just cried. I was just so stressed and upset at everything. When I was walking back to the house I saw what looked like Eric walking outside so I ran around to the other side and ran into the house and went into the bathroom and took a shower then went into my room. Eric was sitting there on my bed and he asked me simply "Do you wanna break-up with me?" I simply replied, "Overall no."
He seemed confused at this so I finished, "Sometimes I just get sick of it and I want to end it. I don't want to overall because I don't wanna give up." "huh?" He's still confused. I basically explained that I wouldn't give-up so easily, so I didn't wanna give-up yet. When you're in a relationship pretty much no matter what happens you need to try whole heartidly to make it work. He said something later, "I just feel like you don't love me. Like you tolerate me."
July 27th 2003
Today as Eric is getting ready to go take a shower he tells Anna about how I wailed on him at Sivone's house. (Long story) And how his friend's (later on he told me it was only David that had said it.) were all like "How can you put up with that?" But it said in this they're right why do I put up with this shit TONE. He said it in the stupid asshole way that made we just want to say FUCK off then leave. If you fucking feel like that then why the hell are you here? Just leave. I get so sick of his shit sometimes. If women weren't so fucking stupid I would be gay because guys do not make sense to little old me.
Friday, May 30, 2003
I hate my job and everything about it. The money, the hours, the work itself and a bunch of people just think that they are better than me. Oh wait mabye they are? Hmm I never thought of that. Well I have been trying to get this week-end off. I had Sunday scheduled off and I wanted Friday-Saturday so Eric and I could go to Cali. Not much luck! I only got Friday covered by Ben, so this week-end is shot.
Monday, May 26, 2003
Friday, May 23, 2003
Mel and I May 8th - may 21rst
May 8.03 -Thu-
Mel was supposed to get in at like 6:50 and bill was supposed to go to the airport with me and pick her up only she called me that morning and left a message she was getting in a 1:45! So Eric drove and we picked her up at about 2:30.
Bill came over and hung out for a bit and then we decided to go to a movie and Bill said no because he had no dough. Eric, Mel and I went and saw Malibu's Most wanted with Jamie Kennedy.
May 9.03 -Fri-
May 10.03 -Sat-
Eric was planning on leaving this morning after we went to see Daddy Day Care but we didn't get out of the movie in time so he stayed until the next morning.
May 12.03 -Mon-
We saw Lizzie McGuire.
13th tue ??
May 14. 03 -Wed-
Went with Keita To WTC and saw what a girl wants at 2:45 then mel and I went to Sonic and then Mill Avenue. We danced infront of the Bamboo Club and this guy tipped us each a buck! We went into this bog shop Graffiti something and the owner who's been there 15 years was telling us about this rapist who was on parole from raping two women in Orange County and he caught the guy hanging around his place and he had been pissing by the bathrooms in a dark alley by this guy's store to spy on the women going into the bathroom! So he saw him around my night and beat the shit out of him and told the judge in court he was trying to shoplift and they ended up in a brawl. Crazy. We sat on a bench singing and waved at these two ASU students (engineers) and they talked to us forever. Alex and Jeremy and they left and we kept bumping into them and finally we went into the coffee plantation and hung out forever until we walked them out and ran into a friend of Alex's and the guy needed jumper cables. So I leant him mine and Jeremy jumped his car.
May 15. 03 -Thu-
Mel and I went to Michaels to buy some glaze spray to spray m&ms to preserve them. Ate at subway walked around there for awhile, went to Frys and asked them if we could buy the blue and orange helium m&m balloons they said no so I asked them to hold them for me. Went to target for awhile. We were gonna go to Club Rio's foam party but it was 15$ a head and we were pretty beat so we ditched that idea.
May 16. 03 -Fri-
We ran a couple of errands, and went to the chandler mall to get pictures taken at the Picture People. Saw "Down with love." We went to 6-11pm's Scrapbook Barn friday night frenzy. But we didn't get there until after 7.
May 17. 03 -Sat-
Mel and I went to az mills mall and then Eric met us there after playing raquet ball w/David to watch "Coral Reef" on the IMAX theater. Went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Phx with Anna, Kieta, Penny, their friend Ryan, Eric, Mel and myself. It started at 11 pm.
May 18. 03 -Sun-
David, Eric, Mel and I saw the Matrix Reloaded.
May 19. 03 -Mon-
Eric, Mel and I went up to Sedona to Slide Rock in the Red Rock Park. Mel and I weren't wearing shorts over our swimsuits and the rocks in the 'slide' hurt our bums. B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!
May 20. 03 - Tue-.
We were planning on waking up early in the morning and driving to Las Vegas but Mel was up til about 1 AM and Eric and I were up til I think 4ish. So by the time we woke-up it was pointless to go. Mel and I went to AZ mills and got bored after a few hrs and went to Joanne's to find M&M fabric, and something to make M&M bracelets/necklaces. No luck, so we rented "Simone" w/ Al Pacino and went back to my house. Eric and David has left to play raquet ball about an hr before so we decided to watch Multiplicity and watch Simone when Eric returned. By the time he got back Multiplicity was almost over and Mel went to bed w/out watching Simone because we had to get up at 4:15 so I could drop her off the next morning.
May 8.03 -Thu-
Mel was supposed to get in at like 6:50 and bill was supposed to go to the airport with me and pick her up only she called me that morning and left a message she was getting in a 1:45! So Eric drove and we picked her up at about 2:30.
Bill came over and hung out for a bit and then we decided to go to a movie and Bill said no because he had no dough. Eric, Mel and I went and saw Malibu's Most wanted with Jamie Kennedy.
May 9.03 -Fri-
May 10.03 -Sat-
Eric was planning on leaving this morning after we went to see Daddy Day Care but we didn't get out of the movie in time so he stayed until the next morning.
May 12.03 -Mon-
We saw Lizzie McGuire.
13th tue ??
May 14. 03 -Wed-
Went with Keita To WTC and saw what a girl wants at 2:45 then mel and I went to Sonic and then Mill Avenue. We danced infront of the Bamboo Club and this guy tipped us each a buck! We went into this bog shop Graffiti something and the owner who's been there 15 years was telling us about this rapist who was on parole from raping two women in Orange County and he caught the guy hanging around his place and he had been pissing by the bathrooms in a dark alley by this guy's store to spy on the women going into the bathroom! So he saw him around my night and beat the shit out of him and told the judge in court he was trying to shoplift and they ended up in a brawl. Crazy. We sat on a bench singing and waved at these two ASU students (engineers) and they talked to us forever. Alex and Jeremy and they left and we kept bumping into them and finally we went into the coffee plantation and hung out forever until we walked them out and ran into a friend of Alex's and the guy needed jumper cables. So I leant him mine and Jeremy jumped his car.
May 15. 03 -Thu-
Mel and I went to Michaels to buy some glaze spray to spray m&ms to preserve them. Ate at subway walked around there for awhile, went to Frys and asked them if we could buy the blue and orange helium m&m balloons they said no so I asked them to hold them for me. Went to target for awhile. We were gonna go to Club Rio's foam party but it was 15$ a head and we were pretty beat so we ditched that idea.
May 16. 03 -Fri-
We ran a couple of errands, and went to the chandler mall to get pictures taken at the Picture People. Saw "Down with love." We went to 6-11pm's Scrapbook Barn friday night frenzy. But we didn't get there until after 7.
May 17. 03 -Sat-
Mel and I went to az mills mall and then Eric met us there after playing raquet ball w/David to watch "Coral Reef" on the IMAX theater. Went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Phx with Anna, Kieta, Penny, their friend Ryan, Eric, Mel and myself. It started at 11 pm.
May 18. 03 -Sun-
David, Eric, Mel and I saw the Matrix Reloaded.
May 19. 03 -Mon-
Eric, Mel and I went up to Sedona to Slide Rock in the Red Rock Park. Mel and I weren't wearing shorts over our swimsuits and the rocks in the 'slide' hurt our bums. B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!
May 20. 03 - Tue-.
We were planning on waking up early in the morning and driving to Las Vegas but Mel was up til about 1 AM and Eric and I were up til I think 4ish. So by the time we woke-up it was pointless to go. Mel and I went to AZ mills and got bored after a few hrs and went to Joanne's to find M&M fabric, and something to make M&M bracelets/necklaces. No luck, so we rented "Simone" w/ Al Pacino and went back to my house. Eric and David has left to play raquet ball about an hr before so we decided to watch Multiplicity and watch Simone when Eric returned. By the time he got back Multiplicity was almost over and Mel went to bed w/out watching Simone because we had to get up at 4:15 so I could drop her off the next morning.
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